FIFA Awards 2026 World Cup to Me

FIFA Chairman Sepp Blatter announced that I will be hosting the 2026 FIFA World Cup. "We are pleased and excited to be going to this new realm," Blatter said. "Following what will surely be exciting and successful tournaments in the in-no-way risky countries of Russia and Qatar, we are eager to see how the beautiful game can enrich the life of one single person in 2026."

A spokesman for me said, "He was very surprised indeed, considering his lack of suitable stadiums or media facilities, not to mention he didn't actually bid for the tournament."

I beat out bids from England, Australia, the United States, Spain, and Argentina.

Spurs keeper Gomes: "I just assumed I was the ref"

Spurs goalkeeper Gomes defended his failure to play to the whistle against Manchester United, saying, "I just assumed I was the ref and could award myself a free kick. I saw Nani handle the ball, so, you know, free kick."

Referee Mark Clattenburg did not blow for handball, however, preferring to play advantage, since the goalkeeper had the ball in his hands.

"I did consider playing the advantage," Gomes, said, "but it seemed easier just to drop it near an opponent and walk away."

Harry Redknapp reacted furiously to the controversial decision, saying, "Our record away from home against the top sides is dreadful, so we count on these moments of controversy to take the focus off that. And it worked. This was a meaningless goal, but it's all anyone talked about after the game."

Roy Hodgson: "Shit"

"Shit" said Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson, responding perhaps to his club's recent defeat by League 2 side Huddersfield - wait, it was Northampton - or perhaps to their spineless defeat at Old Trafford, or even perhaps to the fact that he accepted the no-win position as manager of Liverpool Football Club after being left a squad of mediocrity by departed 'legend' Rafa Benitez.

"Shit, I mean, there's little else to say, is there?" Hodgson said.

The Merseyside club have just 5 points from 5 league games, and though they have progressed thus far in the Europa League, they may find themselves missing out entirely on European football if they can't turn around their league form.

"There is a long way to go and we have plenty of time to right the ship," Hodgson said, "But still. Shit."

Jamie Carragher, committed as ever at age 44, believes glory can still be won this season. "No I don't. I never said that," he said.

adidas Defends Under-Fire Jabulani: "All We Were Trying to do Was Ruin the World Cup"

Pietermartizburg, South Africa - In the wake of the 19th FIFA World Cup, officials from the sport giant adidas rushed to defend its controversial Jabulani football, which some observers and players felt behaved too erratically and stupidly in flight, causing ordinary crosses and free kicks to soar out of play like birds flying to freedom, terrible terrible freedom, after a lifetime in cages.

"The World Cup is a very special event," said adidas Director of Football Antonio Zea. "Lots of people tried to ruin it: Rob Green, Luis Suarez, the Dutch midfielders, Africa itself. We just tried to play our part."

Added Zea, "Football is not just a game, it's life. And in life, sometimes things don't go where you think they should go, even when kicked there by highly skilled professionals. We saw no reason why the World Cup shouldn't reflect this reality."

Zea pointed to an incident in the Final, when the Dutch were trying to return the ball to Spanish captain, goalkeeper, and fit-reporter fucker Iker Casillas. "The Dutch player kicked it lazily, Casillas went to collect it, and it bounced ludicrously high and he was forced to concede a corner, which Robin Van Persie was then forced to pass directly back to Casillas. Nothing like that has ever happened in a World Cup. I'm sorry if this makes me proud."

Critics are already wondering what adidas has in store for Brazil 2014, but Zea was tightlipped. "I can't say too much right now. But the ball will be square."

His World Cup Finished, Nigel De Jong Looks Forward to Hurting People in Real Life

Johannesburg - Combative Netherlands and Manchester City midfielder Nigel De Jong admitted he found a silver lining amid the gloom of World Cup Final defeat at the hands of Spain: he'll now have plenty of time to scythe, chop, and cleave pedestrians, strangers, and "Anyone who happens by," the 25-year-old said.

"I'm a footballer, first and foremost, and I love my job. But during games, I'm limited to just the eleven opposition players and three substitutes, and maybe the assistant referee, if he's not paying attention. But now, with a few weeks' holiday before I join up with Manchester City, I'll be able to tackle, stamp, kick, or elbow anybody I see. Anywhere."

De Jong's midfield partner, Mark van Bommel, is also relishing the chance to "Get his digs in" before his new season at Bayern Munich. "The problem with footballers is that they're always watching you, waiting for you to run at them at full speed and then try to take away their standing leg with a tendon-crunching lunge. But middle-aged men in the streets, or teenagers, they often don't see you coming."

Though the Oranje have their critics for their strong-armed tactics, van Bommel and De Jong both insisted that they had little choice.

"We knew from previous games that Spain were capable of scoring as many as one goal," van Bommel said. "So we had no intention of just sitting there and letting them score it."

About escaping a red card for his assault on Alonso, De Jong shrugged and said, "Howard Webb knows it was only Xabi Alonso."

US Striker Altidore: Soccer Fun, but "Not For Me"

USA Striker Jozy Altidore, fresh off his country's heartbreaking extra-time defeat by Ghana in the last 16 of the World Cup, admitted that while he found soccer a "fun challenge," it was ultimately not something he felt he would continue to pursue.

"I had a lot of fun trying to play soccer," he said. "It was great of the US team and Federation to invite me to play, all because I tried out for that team in England and made it. Soccer is so challenging and great exercise too, and I had a blast in South Africa, really. But I think it's time to move on to things I have a better chance of being able to do."

US coach Bob Bradley said he understood Altidore's decision. "Jozy is a great kid, the kind who can do anything he puts his mind to. Maybe not soccer, because the ability to control a ball and run with it, shoot and pass, that kind of stuff, is really hard. If he stuck with it I'm sure he would improve, but Jozy's a very curious person. He'll probably want to dabble in other things, reaching a superficial level of competence before moving on again."

Though Jozy said it was "bittersweet" to end his time playing soccer for the US National Team, he said the memories and friends he made in South Africa will last a lifetime.

"During the England game, I was talking to Emile Heskey, and we agreed that even though the stadiums and crowds were great and really exciting, this game is just too hard. After the game we traded shirts and now we chat a lot on AIM."

John Terry Insists England Can Watch the World Cup

Pretoria - With traditional powers Italy and France already on the way home, and Spain and Germany both displaying vulnerabilities, former England captain John Terry insisted the Three Lions have what it takes to watch the World Cup.

'I think what you saw with them (France and Italy) is the difference between English players and the rest. With no disrespect, we won't just get on the plane and go home. We have what it takes to stay here, right here in the hotel, until the very end of the World Cup.'

England's improved performance against Slovenia has again raised expectations, but Terry was steadfast that his teammates would not be drawn into overconfidence.

'We know we can beat anybody, and also lose to anybody. That's the way it goes, but win, lose, or draw, come the end of the tournament, we'll still be here. A World Cup Final only comes around once every four years, and I can assure you we have no intention of missing it.'

Rob Green's World Cup Diary

June 7
Arrived in South Africa. So excited. No idea if I will be playing against USA, but am ready to go if selected. Team spirit is high - energy, confidence, commitment, passion. Can't wait to show the rest of the world - this is OUR game. Leds (editor - Ledley King) says he is feeling fit and healthy.

June 8
Training. Felt sharp. Handling was clean, footwork quick. It's cold here. Jamo (ed - David James) says it's because it's winter in the southern hemisphere. The lads had a good laugh at that one.

June 9
Training. Again, felt great. Made a good save from Lamps (ed - Frank Lampard) and the gaffer made eye contact with me. I think he smiled. I think I'm starting against USA.

June 10
More training. Missing the family. Spent a lot of time on the phone with the missus. Will need to top off her Virgin minutes. Saw some wild elephants on the road to Rustenburg. Jamo said some of them can live to be 60 years old. That guy has us laughing all the time!

June 11
Thought the gaffer might tell us who's starting, but he didn't. Jamo said we should all mentally prepare as if we're going to play. Have to try to get to sleep early. When you next hear from me, I will have made my World Cup debut. COME ON ENGLAND!!

June 12
I am so, so sorry.

June 13
Time to pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with it. Jamo said he knew exactly how I felt. Harty (ed - Joe Hart) said he hopes he never does anything like that. Stevie (ed - Steven Gerrard) joked around, pretending to be really mad. Clem (ed - Ray Clemence) said the important thing is to learn from it. I told him I'd never let England down again. He said I should probably just worry about West Ham from now on.

Mourinho Moves to Madrid in Last Football Story of the Summer

After leading Inter Milan to a glorious treble, Jose Mourinho will assume the reigns at Real Madrid next season, replacing the fired Manuel Pellegrini at the Estadio Santiago Bernabeu. Mourinho, 47, promises to end Barca's dominance in La Liga and return los blancos to European prominence.

Pundits and commentators seized on the news. "The timing was wonderful," said Trevor Dailey of Sky Sports News. "With football finished for the summer, people are ready to turn their interest to cricket, or Wimbledon, or the Tour de France. It was our last chance to capture the attention of football fans."

Said the BBC's Tim Gleasen, "It's not easy to sustain interest over the summer, so it was a relief to see the world's most high-profile manager sign with the most glamorous club. Especially since we have three months of nothing coming up."

Liverpool Fans Shockingly Shocked by Predictable Exit of Benitez

'Thank you for six great years, during which I aged fourteen years.'

Liverpool fans continue to be shockingly shocked in the wake of Rafa Benitez's entirely predictable dismissal from the club he managed for six years. Despite spending more than 240 million pounds on no less than 70 players, Benitez ultimately succeeded in building essentially a two-man team, which was obvious to everyone who is not a Liverpool fan.

Liverpool supporters flooded internet message boards with messages of thanks and support for their former manager, and of course, grief:

- I'm literally in tears. It shouldn't have had to end this way. Not like this.

- What a fantastic man he is, a true legend

- Good luck Rafa - we never deserved you anyway

- weeping like a girl

- Sitting in work trying hard not to cry

- YNWA Rafa La

- I am crying like a baby

- For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground. And tell sad stories of the death of kings

- I've been in denial really since last night, but now it's really hit home. I'm crying.

- You fought for us and we in turn fought for you, YNWA my friend.

- This feels like an old friend has just died.

- God bless you Rafa

In a departure from WFNFTW policy, the above quotes have not been fabricated. They are 100% genuine messages from a leading Liverpool website which shall remain unnamed, but which in fact is Red and White Kop (www.redandwhitekop.com)

Massimo Busacca, Frank De Bleeckere Reach Champions League Final

De Bleeckere, or possibly Busacca

Swiss referee Massimo Busacca will meet Belgian referee Frank De Bleeckere in the UEFA Champions League Final at the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium, Madrid, on 22 May.

Busacca advanced after defeating Bayern Munich and Lyon, while in a clinical display, Belgian veteran De Bleeckere dispatched Barcelona and Inter Milan.

"We lost to the more powerful opponent," Inter manager Jose Mourinho said. "What can you do? My players tried, but always, De Bleeckere was there."

Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola could only agree. "Jose and I discussed it, and I said to him, 'If he (De Bleeckere) needlessly sends off one of your players, surely he will disallow a goal by one of mine.' And that's what happened."

Busacca's performance was less showy but just as effective, as he demoralized players from both teams and efficiently silenced the fans at Lyon's Stade de Gerlande.

Oddsmakers have made De Bleeckere and early favorite.

Arsenal Done In by Promising Youngster

Arsenal came a cropper in the second leg of their Champions League quarterfinal tie with Barcelona, felled by four goals from plucky youngster Lionel Messi, a 22-year-old striker from Argentina. The spirited little fireplug, undaunted by being the shortest player on the pitch and maybe in the world, managed to navigate his way around his older and larger opponents, much to the delight of the Catalan crowd, who have taken the tenacious underdog to their hearts.

While Arsenal are left licking their wounds after another Champions League disappointment, the football world is slowly starting to take notice of the promising performances of this young hopeful, dubbed by some the "New Saviola." But he's not letting it go to his head.

"I just try to do my best and score three or four goals every game, leaving despairing defenders trailing helplessly in my wake, cursing their fate and perhaps regretting their decision to play football in the first place," Messi said. "I just try to do my best."

Even Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola has been impressed by the brave urchin's recent performances. Said Pep, "He's beginning to make it difficult to leave him off the team sheet."

Barca next face Italian champions Inter and taciturn manager Jose Mourinho in the semifinals.

UEFA to Introduce "More Dramatic" Champions League Theme

UEFA President Michel Platini today announced plans to introduce a new Champions League theme, beginning with this year's final in Madrid, to replace the current theme, which he called "too subtle."

"This is the Champions League," Platini said. "We need a theme that expresses the glory and splendor of modern football, as played by teams like Barcelona, Manchester United, Chelsea, and sometimes even Real Madrid."

Platini feels the current theme, in use since 1992, is a "good start" on which to build what he calls "The really super magnificent theme of the future."

"Why must we use only three languages in our theme?" Platini asked. "Why not use all the languages of Europe? And why only a seventy person choir? Why not fill a stadium with singers, and violinists, and drummers? There could also be doves."

Platini also feels that the current theme's lyrics are too understated and its trumpet flares too muted.

"I won't be writing the lyrics myself, of course," Platini said. "But if I were going to, they would be something like....and a one, and a two....


Champions, We are Champions
Kings, Gods, We are Lords and Kings
Glory be to us, the Kings of Heaven and Earth

"Then there could be some drums, and canons going off, and then...

Champions, Kings and Master,
We are special and beautiful
Glory to the Champions Who Are We,
Glory Glory to All, to the Champions

"Something like that," Platini said.

Wayne Rooney Pays Tribute to Sir Alex: "He Never Shuts Up"

Wayne Rooney, fast maturing into one of the top players in the world, paid tribute to Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, claiming that the fiery Scot never shuts up.

"You can't help but learn from him," said Rooney. "He's done and seen so much in football, won so many important trophies that he tells us about. You can learn from that. There's someone called Willie Miller who he often speaks of, and Alex McLain or McLeish, and he's always telling us the way these players would do things, and how we should do them the same way. So, you can't help but learn."

Rooney, who will appear in his second World Cup for England in June, praised the ageless manager's tenacity: "If you're around someone every day, for hours and hours, and they're telling you football things that entire time, then, naturally, some of it is going to stick. You can try not listening, or wearing headphones, but really, that doesn't work."

Rooney also had praise for United warhorse Gary Neville, still club captain after nearly two decades at United. "Yeah, he also never shuts up."

Beckham's Injury Ends His Chance of Being World Cup Scapegoat

David Beckham's torn achilles tendon has ended his chance of being England's World Cup scapegoat. The LA Galaxy midfielder, on his second loan spell with AC Milan, has already played in three previous World Cups, but was only universally regarded as the outright scapegoat for England's failure in one of them, the 1998 tournament in France.

"You could argue I was the scapegoat in 2002," Beckham said, "with the way I pulled out of a challenge that led to Brazil's opening goal. But then David (Seaman) did what he did, and, well, there was no topping that."

Although Beckham no longer plays for Manchester United, oddsmakers, and the London tabloid press, nonetheless had him as favorite to be England's scapegoat in South Africa.



Wayne Rooney, the reigning scapegoat from 2006, is once again the bookies' favorite.

Owen Coyle Swaps Horrible Jobs

Sky Sports News is reporting that Owen Coyle has swapped his horrible job managing Burnley for the horrible job of managing Bolton Wanderers.

"Sometimes when you've been in a horrible job for a long time, you need a new challenge," Coyle said. "In this case, a horrible opportunity has come up with Bolton, a club I love and played for, so I'd be mad to turn it down."

Coyle's decision has devastated Burnley fans.

"He's Judas as far as I'm concerned," said Burnley season ticket holder Giles Murray. "We gave him a horrible opportunity, and he's turned his back on it with the job only half-done."

The mood was far brighter in Bolton, where fans welcome the appointment of a former player. "It's just what the club needs," said Bolton Wanderers Supporters' Club chairman John Reeves. "It's win-win for both the club and Owen, though for Owen it's a bit horrible, to be honest."