adidas Defends Under-Fire Jabulani: "All We Were Trying to do Was Ruin the World Cup"

Pietermartizburg, South Africa - In the wake of the 19th FIFA World Cup, officials from the sport giant adidas rushed to defend its controversial Jabulani football, which some observers and players felt behaved too erratically and stupidly in flight, causing ordinary crosses and free kicks to soar out of play like birds flying to freedom, terrible terrible freedom, after a lifetime in cages.

"The World Cup is a very special event," said adidas Director of Football Antonio Zea. "Lots of people tried to ruin it: Rob Green, Luis Suarez, the Dutch midfielders, Africa itself. We just tried to play our part."

Added Zea, "Football is not just a game, it's life. And in life, sometimes things don't go where you think they should go, even when kicked there by highly skilled professionals. We saw no reason why the World Cup shouldn't reflect this reality."

Zea pointed to an incident in the Final, when the Dutch were trying to return the ball to Spanish captain, goalkeeper, and fit-reporter fucker Iker Casillas. "The Dutch player kicked it lazily, Casillas went to collect it, and it bounced ludicrously high and he was forced to concede a corner, which Robin Van Persie was then forced to pass directly back to Casillas. Nothing like that has ever happened in a World Cup. I'm sorry if this makes me proud."

Critics are already wondering what adidas has in store for Brazil 2014, but Zea was tightlipped. "I can't say too much right now. But the ball will be square."

His World Cup Finished, Nigel De Jong Looks Forward to Hurting People in Real Life

Johannesburg - Combative Netherlands and Manchester City midfielder Nigel De Jong admitted he found a silver lining amid the gloom of World Cup Final defeat at the hands of Spain: he'll now have plenty of time to scythe, chop, and cleave pedestrians, strangers, and "Anyone who happens by," the 25-year-old said.

"I'm a footballer, first and foremost, and I love my job. But during games, I'm limited to just the eleven opposition players and three substitutes, and maybe the assistant referee, if he's not paying attention. But now, with a few weeks' holiday before I join up with Manchester City, I'll be able to tackle, stamp, kick, or elbow anybody I see. Anywhere."

De Jong's midfield partner, Mark van Bommel, is also relishing the chance to "Get his digs in" before his new season at Bayern Munich. "The problem with footballers is that they're always watching you, waiting for you to run at them at full speed and then try to take away their standing leg with a tendon-crunching lunge. But middle-aged men in the streets, or teenagers, they often don't see you coming."

Though the Oranje have their critics for their strong-armed tactics, van Bommel and De Jong both insisted that they had little choice.

"We knew from previous games that Spain were capable of scoring as many as one goal," van Bommel said. "So we had no intention of just sitting there and letting them score it."

About escaping a red card for his assault on Alonso, De Jong shrugged and said, "Howard Webb knows it was only Xabi Alonso."

US Striker Altidore: Soccer Fun, but "Not For Me"

USA Striker Jozy Altidore, fresh off his country's heartbreaking extra-time defeat by Ghana in the last 16 of the World Cup, admitted that while he found soccer a "fun challenge," it was ultimately not something he felt he would continue to pursue.

"I had a lot of fun trying to play soccer," he said. "It was great of the US team and Federation to invite me to play, all because I tried out for that team in England and made it. Soccer is so challenging and great exercise too, and I had a blast in South Africa, really. But I think it's time to move on to things I have a better chance of being able to do."

US coach Bob Bradley said he understood Altidore's decision. "Jozy is a great kid, the kind who can do anything he puts his mind to. Maybe not soccer, because the ability to control a ball and run with it, shoot and pass, that kind of stuff, is really hard. If he stuck with it I'm sure he would improve, but Jozy's a very curious person. He'll probably want to dabble in other things, reaching a superficial level of competence before moving on again."

Though Jozy said it was "bittersweet" to end his time playing soccer for the US National Team, he said the memories and friends he made in South Africa will last a lifetime.

"During the England game, I was talking to Emile Heskey, and we agreed that even though the stadiums and crowds were great and really exciting, this game is just too hard. After the game we traded shirts and now we chat a lot on AIM."