Robinho to Kaka: Come to City, Honestly It's Great

Manchester City's Brazilian star has urged AC Milan playmaker Kaka to join him at Eastlands, insisting the duo can make City the greatest club in Europe.

"Kaka is so strong, intelligent, and fast. Of course I would love to play with him here. And he would love it too, I'm sure. Why not?" Robinho said of his compatriot.

City currently sit in 12th place, behind Sunderland.

"I know Kaka is happy at Milan, with the giant stadium full every week, and millions of fans around the world, and being near the top of the table, and playing in the Champions League almost every year. But he'd be pretty happy here too, I bet."

Rumours abound that City will make an audacious bid during the January transfer window, if not for Kaka, then another player of his stature.

"We want great players at City," Robinho said. "I hope Mark Hughes, or whoever might be manager then, tries to buy Kaka in January."

Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy: We Can Be the Newcastle of the South

Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy, in the news much of the summer for his blockbuster transfer dealings, declared his side's intention to build a team strong enough to challenge the best sides in the immediate vicinty, but not Arsenal.

"We can be the Newcastle of the South," Levy stated. "We've got the players, the facilities, and the fans. Now it's just down to getting the results on the pitch."

Last season, Spurs actually finished 3 points ahead of the Magpies, but Levy knows that successful teams do it season after season.

"We've got more work to do," said the 46-year-old businessman, who stood up to Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson, refusing to sell star striker Dimitar Berbatov before selling him. "It's early doors, but they've opened up a 2 point lead. We want to keep them in sight for now, and try to reel them in after Christmas."

Levy, who stood up to Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez by refusing to sell Robbie Keane until he did, points to manager Juande Ramos as the key to Spurs' revival.

"We are indebted to Martin Jol, but Juande has taken the club to new heights. His results speak for themselves: they are marginally worse than Martin's."

Spurs are home to Hull City on Sunday.

Robinho: There's More to Football than Winning

Newly signed Manchester City star Robinho explained his shock move from Real Madrid to Manchester City, saying, "There's more to football than winning trophies, playing in huge, packed stadiums, playing in the Champions League, and playing with famous, talented teammates."

The tricky Brazilian indicated that he is ready for life at Eastlands. "I've met my new teammates. We have some good players. You can tell they have played football before, some of them for years and years. I think we are going to surprise people with our ability to pass, head, and shoot the football."

Robinho admitted that he had preferred to move to Chelsea, but when City met Madrid's asking price, he realized that it didn't matter if his parents never got to see him play on television again.

Steve McClaren: Vee Haff Un Gut Chance to Vin

Former England manager Steve McClaren, now in charge of Dutch side FC Twente, expressed confidence that his side can overcome a 2-0 deficit from the first leg and overturn heavily favored Arsenal at the Emirates.

"Yes, a very long shot it is for us, I sink, but ah, such an opportunity, no? Us, the Emirates..." (gestures with hands) "...vee haff a gut chance, yes?"

McClaren has been in charge of the Dutch outfit for only a few months, but has taken to life in the town of Enschede.

"Is fantastich, no? To come here, me, my team..." (gestures with hands) "...is wonderful, no?"

The second leg is set for August 27.

Scolari Warns Rivals: Our Players Practice Football

New Chelsea manager Luiz Felipe Scolari fired an ominous warning ahead of the start of the Premier League season, noting that his players frequently practice the various skills needed to play football.

"I can't speak for other clubs, but at Chelsea, our players are always practicing kicking the football. Kicking it hard, kicking it gently, kicking it high, and kicking it low. They practice headers and trapping the football, too. Our players practice football."

The news will be daunting to many clubs around the league, although Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson did not seem impressed. "Our players also practice, every day. I turn up at 9 and they are here, putting on their practice football kits, and going out to a grassy area we rented for them and practicing their football-playing. I tell them, 'You lads must really love football!'"

Chelsea and United battled for both the League and Champions League last season, seemingly validating the strategy of practicing. But not everyone is convinced.

"I think if you practice football, what should be natural becomes mechanical, like a chore," said Spurs manager Juande Ramos. "I discourage it."

The Premier League season kicks off Saturday.

Premier League Preview

The Barclays Premier League kicks off soon. Can Manchester United win the league for the third year in a row? Or can Chelsea reclaim the title they held just three years ago? Or can Liverpool finally mount a serious title challenge? Or what about Arsenal? And Spurs, can they break into the top four? Or Villa? Can Paul Ince keep Blackburn in the top half? Can new boys Stoke, Hull, and West Brom survive? Can Mark Hughes bring Manchester City a European place? What about Keegan, will he survive the season at Newcastle? Will Roy Keane's new signings make Sunderland a side to be reckoned with?

Tune in to our Season Review in May for the answers.

Fabregas: Spain Not For Me

Arsenal's Spanish midfielder Cesc Fabregas quashed rumours that he will swap life in London for either Madrid or Barcelona today, saying, "I'm staying at Arsenal. The priority is to win trophies here. Spain is not for me."

Fabregas has been linked to both Barcelona and Real Madrid in recent weeks, with former Gunners midfielder Alexander Hleb claiming that Fabregas "loves" Barca, and with Madrid, frustrated over their failure to pry Cristiano Ronaldo away from Manchester United, beginning to make overtures. But Fabregas was emphatic in his denials.

"I love London," he said. "There's so much here. Of course, it is not as sunny and warm as Spain, but these things are not important. There may not be stunning mountain ranges such as the Sierra Nevada and Pyrenees, or Mediterranean beaches filled with exotically beautiful women, and you can't get Tapa de Calamares anywhere, and all my friends and family may be back in Spain, and we haven't won much of anything at Arsenal, but, still...I want to stay here."


Fabregas, 21, has years and years left on his Arsenal contract.

Bruce, Wigan to Try Surrealistic Approach

Wigan boss Steve Bruce claims his side cannot remain in the Premier League unless they adopt a new approach. The Latics survived the drop with just one game to spare last season, a fate the former Manchester United title-winner hopes to avoid with more room to spare.


"What we've done has been enough - just," Bruce said. "But we have to make changes. Big changes."

While hesitant to give away too much, Bruce revealed he will be adpting a "highly surrealistic" approach to the coming season.

"It's not about 4-4-2 or 3-5-1 or traditional tactical models like that," Bruce said. "I'm talking about much bigger changes. Maybe for some games, we won't play with any forwards. Maybe no defenders. Maybe," he added, "No players at all."

Premier League officials were quick to react, stating that all teams must start with 11 fully registered professional players in every match. In a followup statement, however, Bruce seemed unmoved.

"Who is to say what constitutes a player? Maybe a 'player' is my iPod. Maybe I'll play my iPod up front. People might think it's crazy, but we aren't a big club, and we need to shake things up to survive the world's toughest league. You think Rio Ferdinand has ever marked an iPod before? We're going to make it uncomfortable to play against us, one way or another."

Wigan open the new season at home to West Ham on August 16.

Ballack: 2nd Place is better than 3rd

German captain Michael Ballack, runner up to Spain at Euro 2008, claimed today that winning isn't everything.

"We gave our best, but Spain are deserving champions," said Ballack, who, with Chelsea, finished second to Manchester United in the 2007/08 Premiership season.

"Now our efforts must go towards South Africa 2010," said the 31-year-old, who lost the Champions League Final to Manchester United two months ago. "It will be a great opportunity for Germany."

Ballack, who missed out on the 2002 World Cup Final through suspension, a game which Germany lost, recovered from a calf injury to play in the final. The inspirational midfielder, who lost the Carling Cup Final to Spurs in March, also lost the 2002 Champions League Final with Bayern.

"I'm disappointed," he said, "but with Deco joining us at Chelsea, we have an excellent chance to challenge Manchester United right up until the final day of the season, and then draw against some shitty team like Bolton."

"I'm a very lucky person," said Ballack, who lost the Bundesliga title on the final day of the season in 2004, and the German FA Cup Final the same season.

Ronaldo: I Want to Live in Madrid

Cristiano Ronaldo appears to have ended weeks of speculation by announcing his desire to live in Madrid, and play for one of the local football teams there.

"It is my dream to live in Madrid," he said, shortly after Portugal were sent packing from Euro 2008 by Germany. "I have always said this, but it is not up to only me."

Real Madrid Football Club are said to be preparing a record-breaking fee for the high-scoring midfielder, who won the last two Premier League titles and this season's Champions League with Manchester United.

"I like to eat lunch outside, at cafes and places like that," Ronaldo said. "In Madrid there are many such places."

Asked if he thought there was any chance he was making a mistake by leaving the European Champions for a team that has been unable to get past the first knockout round of the Champions League for five years, Ronaldo said, "Have you seen the cafes?"

United will only allow Ronaldo to leave if the price is right. The player is expected to sign a 10-year contract worth a staggering 300k per week, after which he will join LA Galaxy.

France Out. Domenech: "Lightbulbs"

Aging stars of the golden generation and rising young talents who did not live up to billing proved to be a bad mix for les Blues, dumped out of Euro 2008 today by Italy. Despite the disappointment - some will call it failure - of a group-stage exit, manager Raymond Domenech had nothing but praise for the efforts of his squad.

"I am proud of the players," the 56-year-old said. "We had some bad luck. Sometimes life is like this. When I was a boy, I often wondered where the stars went in the daytime. Lightbulbs, I thought they were."

A figure of controversy in France, Domenech's selection policy has been scrutinized since he admitted that he sometimes uses astrological charts to evaluate players. He famously stated he distrusted Scorpios, which led him to overlook Robert Pires on many occasions. And he has silly hair for a man of his age.

The goodwill he earned by leading France to the 2006 World Cup Final is now likely exhausted. Expect him to be replaced in the near future by Didier Deschamps. Asked about this possibility, Domenech shrugged and said, "I cannot control the weather."

van Basten: "Nothing Can Stop Us From Glorious Failure"

"We are great, up until a certain point."

Following the Netherlands' stunning 4-1 destruction of France, which came on the heels of an equally comprehensive 3-0 defeat of Italy, Oranje manager Marco van Basten stated that nothing can stop his squad from fulfilling their destiny as tragic failures.

"It is clear we are the best side," he said. "Just as we were in the 1974 World Cup, and the 1978 World Cup, and Euro 2000. Just as in those tournaments, we fear nobody, and have our destiny in our hands. Just as in those tournaments, our fans have huge expectations. And just as in those tournaments, we will fail in spectacular fashion, probably in the semi-finals."

While it may sound arrogant, van Basten is only reflecting his country's deep-rooted belief in the inability of the national football team to actually win a tournament.

"Yes, we won in 1988," van Basten added. "But you must remember an important distinction: I played back then."

"Being the best is what is important," van Basten said. "Winning the tournament? Well, that's for Germany and Italy, you know. Maybe France. We don't measure our self-worth by trophies."

Germans Invincible, Lose

Joachim Low's Germany squad, doubted prior to the start of Euro 2008 but then immediately considered invincible following a run-of-the-mill 2-0 defeat of an ordinary Poland side, lost to Croatia.

"The strength of Germany's midfield is what would have made the difference against Croatia, theoretically," Andy Gray said following the Croats' 2-1 win. "Croatia might have won the game, deservingly so, but in Michael Ballack, Germany have a midfield lynchpin that I, for one, think would make the difference if they were to play Croatia again, and not lose."

Germany's defeat followed the shock capitulation of Italy to Holland. The defending world champions were expected to mount a serious challenge, but chose to start 10 players over 30, ignoring young talent like Daniele DeRossi. Italy now joins France as much-ballyhooed sides who might in fact turn out to be hilariously shit - whereas the Dutch have now raised expectations and set themselves up for the kind of tragic failure for which they've become famous.

So who will emerge from the Group of Death? Perhaps all four teams - or perhaps none of them.

Andy Gray Doesn't Know the Laws of the Game

"I dinnae know the rules."

ESPN spent a lot of money (presumably) to get Sky star analyst Andy Gray in the booth for Stateside broadcasts of Euro 2008 games. And what did they get for their money? They got Andy bleating on, incorrectly, about Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal against Italy being offside.

This comes just a few weeks after he said "Ryan Giggs is borderline offside there," following Giggs' title-clinching goal against Wigan. It was a particularly outrageous thing to say, as the last Wigan defender was standing, helpfully, on the painted white line at the top of the penalty box, whereas Giggs was two strides away from it when the ball was played to him.

At least Andy wasn't alone in butchering Ruud's goal. At halftime, the duo of Julie Foudy and Tommy Smyth also laughed about the referee's incompetence. Credit to Smyth, tho - by the end of the game, he'd figured it out. Not Foudy, tho - she bleated on and on that the Italian defender behind the goal line, Christian Panucci, "shouldn't count" in regards to offsides - despite the fact he'd been flung there by his own goalkeeper, Gigi Buffon.

I gather ITV announcers in the UK also didn't know the rule, or didn't notice Pannucci behind the line.

And Derek Taylor of Fox Soccer Report took great delight in pointing out the referee's "mistake," not once but twice. I can cut Taylor some slack, tho. He's a professional broadcast journalist who is learning the game, rather than a former professional player and millionaire expert analyst like Andy Gray.

Another fun thing about Andy Gray - he giggles and flirts with Foudy shamelessly. Granted, Julie's a nice-looking lady, but it's a bit painful to watch.

Euro 2008: Group D Preview

Greece

As defending champs, the previously unknown Greeks now feature familiar faces such as Stelios Giannakopolis, Giorgios Samaras, and, er, maybe Angelos Basinas. Do the Greeks have a chance to defend their title? Yes and no. Yes, because maybe, and no, because no.

Prediction: Done in by the pressure of being defending champions, they won't win a game.

Russia

Gus Hiddink's men turned in some impressive results during qualification, but now find themselves in a group with Spain, Sweden, and the defending champions. They'll be led by Zenit's UEFA Cup-winning striker Pavel Pogrebnyak, and the promise of 10,000 potatoes for each player if they reach the semis. Just kidding, Communism is dead. Unfortunately it took the spirit of Russian football with it.

Prediction: They need Spain to bottle it. And when has that ever happened?

Spain

Loaded with stars. Brimming with talent. Overflowing with skill. Overdoing the gerunds. Look, this is getting old. If Spain can't get to the Final with this side, they really should stop bothering the rest of us. Surely with this much talent, their belief must be sky-high, except perhaps for the 5 Liverpool players, who will be accustomed to not winning anything.

Prediction: Finalists. Glorious losing finalists.

Sweden

Sweden may be best known for its spectacular underwater scenery and landmarks such as the Pyramids, but there's no question that they have a team in Euro 2008, and they're in Group D. What is less certain is how they will do. All eyes will be on Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who, it is fair to say, played like a turd at the World Cup in Germany. You know who still plays for Sweden? Henrik Larsson! At 36 he's the oldest outfield player in the tournament. That's got to be worth something.

Prediction: Sweden will win Euro 2008.

Euro 2008 Group C Preview

France

Ah France, land of vine and grape, sumptuous football, and really old footballers. Lilliam Thuram, Patrick Vieira, Claude Makelele, and Gregory Coupet, between them, are almost 400 years old, but they'll all be in action for les Blues. Rising star Karim Benzema is one to watch, as is manager Raymond Domenech, who in the past has used astrology to help with team selection. Seriously. Oh and there's also Thierry Henry poncing and pouting his way round the pitch.


Prediction: Will reach semifinals, lose, Domenech will blame the Scorpios.

Italy

Defending world champions Italy come flying into Euro 2008 on the strength of abject humiliation of Serie A sides in the Champions League. Still, they are loaded with talent in every position, and also, have you ever noticed Italian footballer hairstyles never change. I mean never. Compare the 1982 squad of Rossi et al with Pirlo, Perrotta, and Gattuso. Same hair! Is it perhaps the secret to Italy's continued success? No, it isn't.

Prediction: Marco Materrazi will kick people and Italy will win it.

Holland

They've been called lots of things: underachievers, bottlers, chokers, and bottlers again. Yes, it's the Dutch, who are from Holland, and The Netherlands. Glorious failure is in their DNA. Talented Dutch squads have been losing tournaments for three generations. Will this year be any different? Well, yes - they really aren't that talented anymore. Robin van Persie and Arjen Robben, if healthy, will provide pace and whinging-at-referee theatrics, and the reliable Edwin Van der Sar will be, er, reliable, but this Dutch side will flatter to decieve.

Prediction: Ignore the above. They're going to win it all.

Romania

Jesus H. Christo, how many countries are there in Europe? Seems like I've written a hundred of these. So, Romania: they aren't all vampires. Some of them are good footballers. Good enough to escape from the Group of Death (tm)? Probably not, unless the Dutch really bottle it. Adrian Mutu can still turn on the style, but he'll need lots of help from his castle-dwelling, garlic-wearing teammates.

Prediction: It should be obvious I really don't know anything about Romania.

Euro 2008: Group B Preview

Austria

Austria, like co-hosts Switzerland, have a squad comprised largely of domestic-based players, which means nobody has ever heard of them and they're no good. Call that a generalization if you must. One player who could make a difference is Werder Bremen's Martin Harnik, but he won't. Stick to alpine skiing, Austria. Stop wasting my goddamn time.

Prediction: Painful losses.

Croatia

The Croats will be a force to contend with, as usual. They will also be sentimental favorites of many, due to their humiliating elimination of England. With players representing Europe's top leagues, and talent in every position, Croatia should reach the latter stages of the tournament. They are probably not quite deep enough to win it all, but you can't blame them for trying.

Prediction: Some good moments, some bad. What's important is that they have fun.

Germany

This little-known footballing nation won lots of fans with their plucky performances at the 2006 World Cup. Can they repeat that success? Only if their multimillionaire players with bags of experience can figure out a way to negotiate this "tournament" format. They are also slightly good at penalties, not that major international tournaments are ever decided that way. Stars to watch include Michael Ballack of Chelsea/Inter and Miroslav Klose of Germany/Austria.

Prediction: If I know Germany, and I think I do, they'll win it.

Poland

What to make of the Poles? They had good results in qualification, then got twatted 3-0 at home by the USA. Celtic's Artur Boruc is in goal, so nobody outside the players' mothers and wives will be cheering for the Poles. That's because Boruc is a dick, obviously. They have some other decent players but I'm not going to lie, I can't figure out how to do all those accent marks, so I'm not listing any of them.

Prediction: 3 draws and the first Skoda home.

Euro 2008: Group A Preview

Portugal

One of the favorites to win the title, Portugal will bank on their wealth of attacking talent, which helped them to score nearly one goal per game at the last World Cup. There is no question who the star of this team is: Boavista midfielder Jorge Ribeiro. Hoping to make a name for themselves on the world stage will be Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United (Note: Not the same Ronaldo as the Brazilian one) and Barcelona midfielder Deco.

Prediction: Will win tournament.

Czech Republic

The Czechs will be hoping to put disappointing results behind them, which should be easy considering the linear nature of time. They are led by Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech, widely hailed as the world's best Chelsea goalkeeper; the giant Jan Koller, an aerial threat; and Milan Baros, shite for club but oddly effective for country. The Czechs are organized and efficient, but might lack leadership with the international retirement of Pavel Nedved.

Prediction: Will probably win tournament.

Switzerland

With nearly half their squad playing in the domestic league, the Swiss aren't expected to make much noise at Euro 2008. Amusingly, they have been drawn into the same group as Turkey, with whom they had a violent post-game dustup during qualifiers. Arsenal's Phillipe Senderos and top goalscorer Alexander Frei of Dortmund will be relied on heavily. They won't help.

Prediction: The Swiss will not score a single goal.

Turkey

Turkey will be hoping to follow in the footsteps of Greece by being a team full of players nobody has ever heard of, playing dreadful football, winning the tournament, and subsequently being hated by everyone in the world. They've already got that last part covered.

Prediction: Three times as many bookings as goals scored.

Avram Grant: Anybody Want to Buy a Flat?

Sky Sports News: Well Avram, football can be a cruel game. Did you think you deserved to win?

Grant: I have a flat for sale, it's very nice. Lovely neighborhood.

SSN: And how about your captain, John Terry? A real shame for him, nobody deserves to be in that position.

Grant: Three bedrooms, great view, very safe area.

SSN: You seem distracted, Avram. Surely Mr. Abramovitch would agree you've done enough to prove yourself?

Grant: Well, here I must be completely honest...The kitchen tile needs to be redone.

SSN: Do you think you will be back at Chelsea next season?

Grant: (long pause) Is there something wrong with you?

Preview: Champions League Final

We are just two short days away from what is sure to be a tedious, poorly refereed Champions League Final on a disastrous, last-minute pitch in cold, expensive Moscow.

Chelsea hopes to add to its nonexistent European history, while United will be seeking their first European Cup since 1999.

Some interesting subplots include: can Avram Grant win over his doubters and secure a long-term future (3 years) at Chelsea? Can Paul Scholes avoid a booking in the first 15 minutes? Will Didier Drogba do something weird? What new piece of protective equipment will Petr Cech wear? Will Andriy Shevchenko secure his Chelsea legacy with a crucial goal, or will he continue to be a huge waste of money?

Stay tuned to World Football News From the World for updates, photos, interviews, and video - all, some, or none coming within a week or two of the final whistle.

2007/08 Review of the Season That Was, In Review

The names, faces, and places that made the 2007/08 Premiership season one of the seasons in Premiership history.

AUGUST

Jens Lehmann drops clangers in back-to-back games, leading Arsene Wenger to drop him in favour of part-time footballer Manuel Almunia. Arsenal soon begin collecting points and also media wankery.

SEPTEMBER

It's a poor start to the season for Bolton, under the "leadership" of Sammy Lee. Things are no better at Newcastle for Sam Allardyce. The former "dynamic duo" of Bolton struggle mightily in their new roles, due to being "complete idiots."

Meanwhile, Jose Mourinho shockingly leaves Chelsea. "S'okay, is no problem," he mumbles casually with a shrug. Swoon. He is replaced by an old Jew.

OCTOBER

Arsenal have company at the top of the media wankery tables: Liverpool, with spotty youth Fernando Torres off to a good start, have turned a corner and will either win or lose the league, which is Arsenal's to win.

NOVEMBER

Manchester United and Chelsea begin to make their presence felt, but Arsenal are close to closing out the league. Cesc Fabregas named Football Writers' Player of the Season.

DECEMBER

Arsenal still ride high atop the table. Getting cold. Ronaldo scoring goals for Manchester United. Petr Cech probably injured around this time.

JANUARY

Winter sets in, dark and cold, a rattling wind that sweeps across the country and metaphorically suggests the end of all life. I could use a decent coat.

Liverpool turn a corner.

Keegan!

FEBRUARY

Arsenal have nearly clinched the title. English clubs advance in Europe because it's the best league in the world, if you can ignore Blackburn getting beat by something called Larissa.

Arsenal stumble, due to an injury to a player that receives very little media attention.

MARCH

Arsenal continue to be the best team in England, though they stop continuing to win games. Cruelly, Manchester United take over at the top of the table. Liverpool still turning corners, are now rhombizoidal.

APRIL

It's Champions League Semi Finals time!

Glad that's over.

MAY

Manchester United crowned Premiership Champions for the 10th time, 17th league title overall. Arsenal finish 3rd, Blackburn further down, Newcastle and Wigan in there somewhere. It's a first winners' medal for Carlos Tevez, who doesn't speak English, never will, and will have to be told to stop kitting out on Saturdays because he has never had an offseason.

Fulham stay up probably because Jimmy Bullard did something, but it's a fate worse than death for Birmingham, Reading, and Andreas Isaksson. Sven Goran Eriksson sacked due to improving the team. Liverpool win at Spurs, the kind of away form that will surely see them contending for the league title next season.

Manchester United Win Arsenal's League Title

In a dramatic last-day twist, Manchester United captured Arsenal's Premiership title. Arsene Wenger's team, proclaimed Premiership champions by the Southern media as early as November, bravely finished 3rd, despite the death of Brazilian striker Eduardo, who is Croatian.

"Arsenal are the best footballing side in the world," said SkySports analyst Andy Gray. "It's a cruel world that values scoring goals and winning games above the aesthetic value of passing a ball around in midfield."

United's title is their 10th under Sir Alex Ferguson. "Congratulations to Sir Alex," Arsene Wenger sportingly offered. "Technically, I suppose, they are champions."

Ronaldinho: I will play for Spurs if it is Thor's will

After reports of Spurs' audacious bid for Brazilian star Ronaldinho, the player himself addressed the rumours today at Barcelona's training ground.

"I am a Barcelona player and I'm happy here, but nobody knows what the future holds," he said. "I would be happy to stay, but will follow the plan my God Thor has for me."

Like many players in the Brazilian squad, Ronaldinho is a Born-Again Norse. After winning the 2002 World Cup, many of the squad removed their jerseys to reveal shirts with evangelical Norse messages, such as "He Will Smite You", "Beware the Coming of Ragnarok", and "My God Can and Probably Already Has Killed Your God."

Ronaldinho, 27, has 3 years remaining on his Barcelona contract.

Goal! The Dream Begins

SCENE 1: Los Angeles

A dusty football pitch. Two poorly-kitted amateur teams of brownish people.
SANTIAGO MUNEZ sprints from his landscaping job and rushes up to his manager on the touchline.

SANTIAGO: I made it!
MANAGER: Oh. Great...
SANTIAGO: (winks) Up front? Want me to save the day?
MANAGER: We're actually winning 4-0.
SANTIAGO: Okay, I'll play right back.
MANAGER: Fine. Let's wait until after this corner.

SANTIAGO plays the last 17 minutes. He balloons several clearances into the street, which catches the attention of a bystanding British person.

BRITISH PERSON: Have you ever played professionally, son?
SANTIAGO: Let me think. (long pause) No.
BRITISH PERSON: If you can get yourself over to England, I can get you a trial with Gresley Town in the Greater Lingleton Thompson's Moving Services League.
SANTIAGO: That sounds terrible.
BRITISH PERSON: It is, yeah.

SCENE II: England

A team of grizzled, balding, tattooed 34-year-olds trains in rain and mud. SANTIAGO MUNEZ approaches nervously. The Team Captain approaches him.

TEAM CAPTAIN: Where YOU from, son?
SANTIAGO: Los Angeles. (Captain and rest of team laugh)
TEAM CAPTAIN: You think you know how to play this game?
SANTIAGO: (long pause. Steely glint comes into his eye) Yes.
TEAM CAPTAIN: (long pause) Could you teach us?

SCENE III: Some tart's bedroom

TART: I don't usually sleep with footballers.
SANTIAGO: Stop talking.

SCENE IV: Los Angeles

Santiago's little brother and father argue in Spanish.

BROTHER: Que pasa?
FATHER: Ola. Tortilla siesta.
BROTHER: Nacho! Adios burrito!
FATHER: Sombrero tostito!

SCENE V: Cup Final

SANTIAGO leads Gresley Town onto the pitch for the Greater Lingleton Senior Trophy Cup Final. Their opponents are local rivals Gresley United.

REFEREE: Pitch is waterlogged. Match is cancelled.
SANTIAGO: Thank God.


THE END

Sir Alex & Ronaldo Exchange Texts

FERGUSON: Wot u doin m8?

RONALDO: Denise is here. Angela 2.

SAF: Nice 1 m8. Any1 else there?

RON: Anderson n Nani were. Mr. Neville phoned and told them 2 go home.

SAF: I Wuz just thinking of U

RON: ?

SAF: U like it here rite?

RON: Love it gaf

SAF: OK son. U no U R like a son 2 me, rite?

RON: Yes gaf thank U

SAF: OK son go C 2 ur ladies

RON: OK C U 2moz

SAF: reet

Benitez: We're Playing in the Final Anyway

"S'okay. Trust me."

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez revealed his side's plan to play in the UEFA Champions League Final in Moscow, despite being beaten over two legs by Chelsea.

"Some decisions went against us. You can see this. We deserve to be there. So we're going."

Benitez said that Liverpool will wear their black kit and take up a position spanning both sides of the pitch for the kickoff.

"It gives us the freedom to attack whichever goal is most vulnerable, and it's not possible for us to be offside, as technically both halves of the pitch are our halves."

Without a goal to defend, Rafa may be tempted to throw caution to the wind and opt for all-out attack. But the Spaniard sounded a note of caution.

"You cannot do this in Europe. Everybody says 'Attack, attack,' but you have to be sensible. We will be patient and wait for our chance."

This will be the first three-team Final in a major European competition since Hearts and Hibs drew 2-2 and Celtic lost 1-0 in the Scottish Cup Final in 1967, a game which featured two balls in play, four sendings off, and three bringings-on.

The Final between Chelsea, Manchester United, and Liverpool, is May 21 in Moscow.