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Lovable Jimmy Bullard: "I've done me knee, Guv!"

Lovable midfielder Jimmy Bullard illuminated Hull's game at Aston Villa yesterday with his unique brand of cheeky chappy humour, scintillating skills, and inevitable knee injury.

The floppy haired played damaged his knee in a collision with James Milner, who has an ordinary haircut and rarely, if ever, mugs, grins, goofs, jokes, takes the piss, hikes up his shorts to his chest, or does anything apart from his expected job duties as a footballer.

"We hope it's not serious," said Hull's camera-shy manager Phil Brown, his salmon jumper tied around his neck. "The lad lives and breathes football. He's just about as important to our season as I am."

"Nuffink you can do about it, Guv," the affable Bullard said, shrugging. "That's life, know what I mean? Yeah, course you do, Guv. Alright?"

Benitez: It's not trophies that matter, but the memory of trophies

Under siege Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez today said that winning trophies is not the only standard of success Liverpool fans should accept. They should also remember trophies won in penalties four or five years ago.

"We had 86 points last season, but we didn't win the Championship, so some people say it was not a good season for us," Benitez said. "But these people must remember we won the Champions League just a little more than 4 years ago, which would be only 2.36 Mars years, because of their larger orbit."

Benitez refused to blame his side's current poor form on the absence of missing stars Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres. "We can still win if they are injured," he said. "We didn't even have Torres on that day in Istanbul, which was, off the top of my head, 1,620 days ago. So this proves we can win."

Benitez also revealed he will take his squad on holiday during the next international break. "It's important for the players to bond," he said. Asked where they would go, he shrugged and said, "I haven't really thought of it. I don't know. Maybe Turkey."

Joey Barton: "This will be the year I get my career back on track, and finally kill someone."

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton, currently suspended by the Championship-bound side, stated his goal to "Achieve all my dreams" by bringing the Magpies back to the Premier League, and finally killing someone.

"I know I can get my career back on track," he said, admitting that he had "lost focus" in the previous year. "It's a new challenge," Barton added, talking about Newcastle's relegation. "My goals are to win back the faith of the manager and fans, help the team back into the Premier League, and finally kill someone."

Despite his best efforts, the 26-year-old Huyton-born midfielder has never successfully killed anyone. He has broken the leg of a pedestrian with his car, stubbed out a lit cigar in a youth player's eye, assaulted former teammate Ousmane Dabo, assaulted a 15-year-old Everton supporter, assaulted two men outside a McDonald's, and tried to cut Liverpool's Xabi Alonso in half, but none of the incidents resulted in death.

"It's like a golfer or tennis player trying to win their first Major championship," Barton said of his ongoing quest to end a human life. "It might be that I'm trying too hard, thinking about it too much. I just need to get out of my own way and let it happen."

Liverpool Win 3rd Premier League Title of 2008/09

After a barren spell of more than one decade, 2008/09 has seen a flood of Premier League trophies returning to Anfield. Yossi Benayoun's injury-time strike at Craven Cottage gave Liverpool their third Premier League title of season 2008/09.

"It's been a long wait," said Liverpool skipper Stephen Gerrard. "But winning this title, like the one we won at Old Trafford a fortnight ago, and the one we won after beating Real Madrid, even though that wasn't a league game, feels special, la."

The Premier League title, awarded at various points in the season by the nation's assorted football media, last resided at Anfield after Liverpool defeated Newcastle 4-3 in April 1996. Determined to end that spell, Rafa Benitez's charges rallied after a winter slump. Their shocking 5-0 destruction of Real Madrid, while not a league game, brought the first Premier League trophy of the season to Anfield, based on a little-known bylaw that recognizes triumphs over teams that "Used to be known as good." Liverpool followed shortly thereafter with a spectacular 4-1 destruction of Manchester United that left their northwestern rivals alone at the top of the league table.

Liverpool left it late to claim their latest title, Benayoun firing home from an angle well into stoppage time to see off a game Fulham side.

"We hope to build on this," said Gerrard. "We feel we can only improve."

Liverpool lie second in the league table behind Manchester United, who claimed their 4th league title of the season with a late winner at home to Villa on Sunday.

Newcastle's Barton Mercilessly Slashes Season Ticket Prices

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton has mercilessly, viciously slashed season ticket prices by an average of nine per cent in a bid to fill the empty seats at St James' Park.

The reductions for next season will take the cost of watching games for the majority of tickets holders back to 2007-08 levels.

Said Barton, "We could all see the empty seats and I felt it was time to pummel the prices down to the pavement, repeatedly. Money is tight for the supporters."

Speaking of the dwindling crowds, persistent relegation worries, and the losses of James Milner and Shay Given, Barton said, "It has been a tough season - nobody will pretend otherwise - but together, we must all look to better times ahead. It starts with getting the support back, and I felt the best way was to slash and batter the ticket prices into something almost unrecognisable.

"I went to the owner with my ideas and after a bit pf persuasion he eventually saw my way of thinking on it."

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley, who was unavailable for comment but is expected to make a full recovery, backed Barton's idea.

McGuin: Gerrard Will Play on Right

Former Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard, who often stated that he preferred to play in the centre despite Rafa Benitez not trusting him to play there, will play on the right, according to his new manager, Jim "Bricks" McGuin.

McGuin, manager of Liverpool HM Prison side GBH Eleven, said that Gerrard's thrusting forward runs, sweeping passes, and deadly long-range shooting should give his side a boost.

"Steven gives us a chance at the title," McGuin said. "We'll play him out wide, where we can best utilize his strengths. I don't really want him in the middle. I need people there who stay in position, can put their foot on the ball and slow the game down, and not overlap the strikers every time they play a ball forward. I've got a couple of lads in on credit card fraud who handle that."

Gerrard, sentened to ten months following an assault on a DJ, expressed his willingness to embrace the wide role.

"Yeah, I've played out there a lot like, so I'm getting good at it, la," he said. "It'd be good if the gaffer gave me a run in the centre too, because I really like it there and think it's my best position like."

McGuin stressed that Gerrard's experience as a professional makes him a natural leader."We expect Steven to lead by example," he said."He's played at the highest level and has proven that he can do a job for anybody. Not in the centre, tho."

GBH Eleven sit 7 points behind league leaders Polish Pride with just 4 games to play. The two sides meet in a top of the table clash at 3pm on Sunday.