Avram Grant: Anybody Want to Buy a Flat?

Sky Sports News: Well Avram, football can be a cruel game. Did you think you deserved to win?

Grant: I have a flat for sale, it's very nice. Lovely neighborhood.

SSN: And how about your captain, John Terry? A real shame for him, nobody deserves to be in that position.

Grant: Three bedrooms, great view, very safe area.

SSN: You seem distracted, Avram. Surely Mr. Abramovitch would agree you've done enough to prove yourself?

Grant: Well, here I must be completely honest...The kitchen tile needs to be redone.

SSN: Do you think you will be back at Chelsea next season?

Grant: (long pause) Is there something wrong with you?

Preview: Champions League Final

We are just two short days away from what is sure to be a tedious, poorly refereed Champions League Final on a disastrous, last-minute pitch in cold, expensive Moscow.

Chelsea hopes to add to its nonexistent European history, while United will be seeking their first European Cup since 1999.

Some interesting subplots include: can Avram Grant win over his doubters and secure a long-term future (3 years) at Chelsea? Can Paul Scholes avoid a booking in the first 15 minutes? Will Didier Drogba do something weird? What new piece of protective equipment will Petr Cech wear? Will Andriy Shevchenko secure his Chelsea legacy with a crucial goal, or will he continue to be a huge waste of money?

Stay tuned to World Football News From the World for updates, photos, interviews, and video - all, some, or none coming within a week or two of the final whistle.

2007/08 Review of the Season That Was, In Review

The names, faces, and places that made the 2007/08 Premiership season one of the seasons in Premiership history.

AUGUST

Jens Lehmann drops clangers in back-to-back games, leading Arsene Wenger to drop him in favour of part-time footballer Manuel Almunia. Arsenal soon begin collecting points and also media wankery.

SEPTEMBER

It's a poor start to the season for Bolton, under the "leadership" of Sammy Lee. Things are no better at Newcastle for Sam Allardyce. The former "dynamic duo" of Bolton struggle mightily in their new roles, due to being "complete idiots."

Meanwhile, Jose Mourinho shockingly leaves Chelsea. "S'okay, is no problem," he mumbles casually with a shrug. Swoon. He is replaced by an old Jew.

OCTOBER

Arsenal have company at the top of the media wankery tables: Liverpool, with spotty youth Fernando Torres off to a good start, have turned a corner and will either win or lose the league, which is Arsenal's to win.

NOVEMBER

Manchester United and Chelsea begin to make their presence felt, but Arsenal are close to closing out the league. Cesc Fabregas named Football Writers' Player of the Season.

DECEMBER

Arsenal still ride high atop the table. Getting cold. Ronaldo scoring goals for Manchester United. Petr Cech probably injured around this time.

JANUARY

Winter sets in, dark and cold, a rattling wind that sweeps across the country and metaphorically suggests the end of all life. I could use a decent coat.

Liverpool turn a corner.

Keegan!

FEBRUARY

Arsenal have nearly clinched the title. English clubs advance in Europe because it's the best league in the world, if you can ignore Blackburn getting beat by something called Larissa.

Arsenal stumble, due to an injury to a player that receives very little media attention.

MARCH

Arsenal continue to be the best team in England, though they stop continuing to win games. Cruelly, Manchester United take over at the top of the table. Liverpool still turning corners, are now rhombizoidal.

APRIL

It's Champions League Semi Finals time!

Glad that's over.

MAY

Manchester United crowned Premiership Champions for the 10th time, 17th league title overall. Arsenal finish 3rd, Blackburn further down, Newcastle and Wigan in there somewhere. It's a first winners' medal for Carlos Tevez, who doesn't speak English, never will, and will have to be told to stop kitting out on Saturdays because he has never had an offseason.

Fulham stay up probably because Jimmy Bullard did something, but it's a fate worse than death for Birmingham, Reading, and Andreas Isaksson. Sven Goran Eriksson sacked due to improving the team. Liverpool win at Spurs, the kind of away form that will surely see them contending for the league title next season.

Manchester United Win Arsenal's League Title

In a dramatic last-day twist, Manchester United captured Arsenal's Premiership title. Arsene Wenger's team, proclaimed Premiership champions by the Southern media as early as November, bravely finished 3rd, despite the death of Brazilian striker Eduardo, who is Croatian.

"Arsenal are the best footballing side in the world," said SkySports analyst Andy Gray. "It's a cruel world that values scoring goals and winning games above the aesthetic value of passing a ball around in midfield."

United's title is their 10th under Sir Alex Ferguson. "Congratulations to Sir Alex," Arsene Wenger sportingly offered. "Technically, I suppose, they are champions."

Ronaldinho: I will play for Spurs if it is Thor's will

After reports of Spurs' audacious bid for Brazilian star Ronaldinho, the player himself addressed the rumours today at Barcelona's training ground.

"I am a Barcelona player and I'm happy here, but nobody knows what the future holds," he said. "I would be happy to stay, but will follow the plan my God Thor has for me."

Like many players in the Brazilian squad, Ronaldinho is a Born-Again Norse. After winning the 2002 World Cup, many of the squad removed their jerseys to reveal shirts with evangelical Norse messages, such as "He Will Smite You", "Beware the Coming of Ragnarok", and "My God Can and Probably Already Has Killed Your God."

Ronaldinho, 27, has 3 years remaining on his Barcelona contract.

Goal! The Dream Begins

SCENE 1: Los Angeles

A dusty football pitch. Two poorly-kitted amateur teams of brownish people.
SANTIAGO MUNEZ sprints from his landscaping job and rushes up to his manager on the touchline.

SANTIAGO: I made it!
MANAGER: Oh. Great...
SANTIAGO: (winks) Up front? Want me to save the day?
MANAGER: We're actually winning 4-0.
SANTIAGO: Okay, I'll play right back.
MANAGER: Fine. Let's wait until after this corner.

SANTIAGO plays the last 17 minutes. He balloons several clearances into the street, which catches the attention of a bystanding British person.

BRITISH PERSON: Have you ever played professionally, son?
SANTIAGO: Let me think. (long pause) No.
BRITISH PERSON: If you can get yourself over to England, I can get you a trial with Gresley Town in the Greater Lingleton Thompson's Moving Services League.
SANTIAGO: That sounds terrible.
BRITISH PERSON: It is, yeah.

SCENE II: England

A team of grizzled, balding, tattooed 34-year-olds trains in rain and mud. SANTIAGO MUNEZ approaches nervously. The Team Captain approaches him.

TEAM CAPTAIN: Where YOU from, son?
SANTIAGO: Los Angeles. (Captain and rest of team laugh)
TEAM CAPTAIN: You think you know how to play this game?
SANTIAGO: (long pause. Steely glint comes into his eye) Yes.
TEAM CAPTAIN: (long pause) Could you teach us?

SCENE III: Some tart's bedroom

TART: I don't usually sleep with footballers.
SANTIAGO: Stop talking.

SCENE IV: Los Angeles

Santiago's little brother and father argue in Spanish.

BROTHER: Que pasa?
FATHER: Ola. Tortilla siesta.
BROTHER: Nacho! Adios burrito!
FATHER: Sombrero tostito!

SCENE V: Cup Final

SANTIAGO leads Gresley Town onto the pitch for the Greater Lingleton Senior Trophy Cup Final. Their opponents are local rivals Gresley United.

REFEREE: Pitch is waterlogged. Match is cancelled.
SANTIAGO: Thank God.


THE END

Sir Alex & Ronaldo Exchange Texts

FERGUSON: Wot u doin m8?

RONALDO: Denise is here. Angela 2.

SAF: Nice 1 m8. Any1 else there?

RON: Anderson n Nani were. Mr. Neville phoned and told them 2 go home.

SAF: I Wuz just thinking of U

RON: ?

SAF: U like it here rite?

RON: Love it gaf

SAF: OK son. U no U R like a son 2 me, rite?

RON: Yes gaf thank U

SAF: OK son go C 2 ur ladies

RON: OK C U 2moz

SAF: reet

Benitez: We're Playing in the Final Anyway

"S'okay. Trust me."

Liverpool manager Rafael Benitez revealed his side's plan to play in the UEFA Champions League Final in Moscow, despite being beaten over two legs by Chelsea.

"Some decisions went against us. You can see this. We deserve to be there. So we're going."

Benitez said that Liverpool will wear their black kit and take up a position spanning both sides of the pitch for the kickoff.

"It gives us the freedom to attack whichever goal is most vulnerable, and it's not possible for us to be offside, as technically both halves of the pitch are our halves."

Without a goal to defend, Rafa may be tempted to throw caution to the wind and opt for all-out attack. But the Spaniard sounded a note of caution.

"You cannot do this in Europe. Everybody says 'Attack, attack,' but you have to be sensible. We will be patient and wait for our chance."

This will be the first three-team Final in a major European competition since Hearts and Hibs drew 2-2 and Celtic lost 1-0 in the Scottish Cup Final in 1967, a game which featured two balls in play, four sendings off, and three bringings-on.

The Final between Chelsea, Manchester United, and Liverpool, is May 21 in Moscow.