Newcastle's Barton Mercilessly Slashes Season Ticket Prices

Newcastle midfielder Joey Barton has mercilessly, viciously slashed season ticket prices by an average of nine per cent in a bid to fill the empty seats at St James' Park.

The reductions for next season will take the cost of watching games for the majority of tickets holders back to 2007-08 levels.

Said Barton, "We could all see the empty seats and I felt it was time to pummel the prices down to the pavement, repeatedly. Money is tight for the supporters."

Speaking of the dwindling crowds, persistent relegation worries, and the losses of James Milner and Shay Given, Barton said, "It has been a tough season - nobody will pretend otherwise - but together, we must all look to better times ahead. It starts with getting the support back, and I felt the best way was to slash and batter the ticket prices into something almost unrecognisable.

"I went to the owner with my ideas and after a bit pf persuasion he eventually saw my way of thinking on it."

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley, who was unavailable for comment but is expected to make a full recovery, backed Barton's idea.

McGuin: Gerrard Will Play on Right

Former Liverpool midfielder Steven Gerrard, who often stated that he preferred to play in the centre despite Rafa Benitez not trusting him to play there, will play on the right, according to his new manager, Jim "Bricks" McGuin.

McGuin, manager of Liverpool HM Prison side GBH Eleven, said that Gerrard's thrusting forward runs, sweeping passes, and deadly long-range shooting should give his side a boost.

"Steven gives us a chance at the title," McGuin said. "We'll play him out wide, where we can best utilize his strengths. I don't really want him in the middle. I need people there who stay in position, can put their foot on the ball and slow the game down, and not overlap the strikers every time they play a ball forward. I've got a couple of lads in on credit card fraud who handle that."

Gerrard, sentened to ten months following an assault on a DJ, expressed his willingness to embrace the wide role.

"Yeah, I've played out there a lot like, so I'm getting good at it, la," he said. "It'd be good if the gaffer gave me a run in the centre too, because I really like it there and think it's my best position like."

McGuin stressed that Gerrard's experience as a professional makes him a natural leader."We expect Steven to lead by example," he said."He's played at the highest level and has proven that he can do a job for anybody. Not in the centre, tho."

GBH Eleven sit 7 points behind league leaders Polish Pride with just 4 games to play. The two sides meet in a top of the table clash at 3pm on Sunday.

Robinho to Kaka: Come to City, Honestly It's Great

Manchester City's Brazilian star has urged AC Milan playmaker Kaka to join him at Eastlands, insisting the duo can make City the greatest club in Europe.

"Kaka is so strong, intelligent, and fast. Of course I would love to play with him here. And he would love it too, I'm sure. Why not?" Robinho said of his compatriot.

City currently sit in 12th place, behind Sunderland.

"I know Kaka is happy at Milan, with the giant stadium full every week, and millions of fans around the world, and being near the top of the table, and playing in the Champions League almost every year. But he'd be pretty happy here too, I bet."

Rumours abound that City will make an audacious bid during the January transfer window, if not for Kaka, then another player of his stature.

"We want great players at City," Robinho said. "I hope Mark Hughes, or whoever might be manager then, tries to buy Kaka in January."

Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy: We Can Be the Newcastle of the South

Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy, in the news much of the summer for his blockbuster transfer dealings, declared his side's intention to build a team strong enough to challenge the best sides in the immediate vicinty, but not Arsenal.

"We can be the Newcastle of the South," Levy stated. "We've got the players, the facilities, and the fans. Now it's just down to getting the results on the pitch."

Last season, Spurs actually finished 3 points ahead of the Magpies, but Levy knows that successful teams do it season after season.

"We've got more work to do," said the 46-year-old businessman, who stood up to Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson, refusing to sell star striker Dimitar Berbatov before selling him. "It's early doors, but they've opened up a 2 point lead. We want to keep them in sight for now, and try to reel them in after Christmas."

Levy, who stood up to Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez by refusing to sell Robbie Keane until he did, points to manager Juande Ramos as the key to Spurs' revival.

"We are indebted to Martin Jol, but Juande has taken the club to new heights. His results speak for themselves: they are marginally worse than Martin's."

Spurs are home to Hull City on Sunday.

Robinho: There's More to Football than Winning

Newly signed Manchester City star Robinho explained his shock move from Real Madrid to Manchester City, saying, "There's more to football than winning trophies, playing in huge, packed stadiums, playing in the Champions League, and playing with famous, talented teammates."

The tricky Brazilian indicated that he is ready for life at Eastlands. "I've met my new teammates. We have some good players. You can tell they have played football before, some of them for years and years. I think we are going to surprise people with our ability to pass, head, and shoot the football."

Robinho admitted that he had preferred to move to Chelsea, but when City met Madrid's asking price, he realized that it didn't matter if his parents never got to see him play on television again.

Steve McClaren: Vee Haff Un Gut Chance to Vin

Former England manager Steve McClaren, now in charge of Dutch side FC Twente, expressed confidence that his side can overcome a 2-0 deficit from the first leg and overturn heavily favored Arsenal at the Emirates.

"Yes, a very long shot it is for us, I sink, but ah, such an opportunity, no? Us, the Emirates..." (gestures with hands) "...vee haff a gut chance, yes?"

McClaren has been in charge of the Dutch outfit for only a few months, but has taken to life in the town of Enschede.

"Is fantastich, no? To come here, me, my team..." (gestures with hands) "...is wonderful, no?"

The second leg is set for August 27.

Scolari Warns Rivals: Our Players Practice Football

New Chelsea manager Luiz Felipe Scolari fired an ominous warning ahead of the start of the Premier League season, noting that his players frequently practice the various skills needed to play football.

"I can't speak for other clubs, but at Chelsea, our players are always practicing kicking the football. Kicking it hard, kicking it gently, kicking it high, and kicking it low. They practice headers and trapping the football, too. Our players practice football."

The news will be daunting to many clubs around the league, although Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson did not seem impressed. "Our players also practice, every day. I turn up at 9 and they are here, putting on their practice football kits, and going out to a grassy area we rented for them and practicing their football-playing. I tell them, 'You lads must really love football!'"

Chelsea and United battled for both the League and Champions League last season, seemingly validating the strategy of practicing. But not everyone is convinced.

"I think if you practice football, what should be natural becomes mechanical, like a chore," said Spurs manager Juande Ramos. "I discourage it."

The Premier League season kicks off Saturday.