Liverpool Fans Shockingly Shocked by Predictable Exit of Benitez

'Thank you for six great years, during which I aged fourteen years.'

Liverpool fans continue to be shockingly shocked in the wake of Rafa Benitez's entirely predictable dismissal from the club he managed for six years. Despite spending more than 240 million pounds on no less than 70 players, Benitez ultimately succeeded in building essentially a two-man team, which was obvious to everyone who is not a Liverpool fan.

Liverpool supporters flooded internet message boards with messages of thanks and support for their former manager, and of course, grief:

- I'm literally in tears. It shouldn't have had to end this way. Not like this.

- What a fantastic man he is, a true legend

- Good luck Rafa - we never deserved you anyway

- weeping like a girl

- Sitting in work trying hard not to cry

- YNWA Rafa La

- I am crying like a baby

- For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground. And tell sad stories of the death of kings

- I've been in denial really since last night, but now it's really hit home. I'm crying.

- You fought for us and we in turn fought for you, YNWA my friend.

- This feels like an old friend has just died.

- God bless you Rafa

In a departure from WFNFTW policy, the above quotes have not been fabricated. They are 100% genuine messages from a leading Liverpool website which shall remain unnamed, but which in fact is Red and White Kop (www.redandwhitekop.com)

Massimo Busacca, Frank De Bleeckere Reach Champions League Final

De Bleeckere, or possibly Busacca

Swiss referee Massimo Busacca will meet Belgian referee Frank De Bleeckere in the UEFA Champions League Final at the Santiago Bernabeu Stadium, Madrid, on 22 May.

Busacca advanced after defeating Bayern Munich and Lyon, while in a clinical display, Belgian veteran De Bleeckere dispatched Barcelona and Inter Milan.

"We lost to the more powerful opponent," Inter manager Jose Mourinho said. "What can you do? My players tried, but always, De Bleeckere was there."

Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola could only agree. "Jose and I discussed it, and I said to him, 'If he (De Bleeckere) needlessly sends off one of your players, surely he will disallow a goal by one of mine.' And that's what happened."

Busacca's performance was less showy but just as effective, as he demoralized players from both teams and efficiently silenced the fans at Lyon's Stade de Gerlande.

Oddsmakers have made De Bleeckere and early favorite.

Arsenal Done In by Promising Youngster

Arsenal came a cropper in the second leg of their Champions League quarterfinal tie with Barcelona, felled by four goals from plucky youngster Lionel Messi, a 22-year-old striker from Argentina. The spirited little fireplug, undaunted by being the shortest player on the pitch and maybe in the world, managed to navigate his way around his older and larger opponents, much to the delight of the Catalan crowd, who have taken the tenacious underdog to their hearts.

While Arsenal are left licking their wounds after another Champions League disappointment, the football world is slowly starting to take notice of the promising performances of this young hopeful, dubbed by some the "New Saviola." But he's not letting it go to his head.

"I just try to do my best and score three or four goals every game, leaving despairing defenders trailing helplessly in my wake, cursing their fate and perhaps regretting their decision to play football in the first place," Messi said. "I just try to do my best."

Even Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola has been impressed by the brave urchin's recent performances. Said Pep, "He's beginning to make it difficult to leave him off the team sheet."

Barca next face Italian champions Inter and taciturn manager Jose Mourinho in the semifinals.

UEFA to Introduce "More Dramatic" Champions League Theme

UEFA President Michel Platini today announced plans to introduce a new Champions League theme, beginning with this year's final in Madrid, to replace the current theme, which he called "too subtle."

"This is the Champions League," Platini said. "We need a theme that expresses the glory and splendor of modern football, as played by teams like Barcelona, Manchester United, Chelsea, and sometimes even Real Madrid."

Platini feels the current theme, in use since 1992, is a "good start" on which to build what he calls "The really super magnificent theme of the future."

"Why must we use only three languages in our theme?" Platini asked. "Why not use all the languages of Europe? And why only a seventy person choir? Why not fill a stadium with singers, and violinists, and drummers? There could also be doves."

Platini also feels that the current theme's lyrics are too understated and its trumpet flares too muted.

"I won't be writing the lyrics myself, of course," Platini said. "But if I were going to, they would be something like....and a one, and a two....


Champions, We are Champions
Kings, Gods, We are Lords and Kings
Glory be to us, the Kings of Heaven and Earth

"Then there could be some drums, and canons going off, and then...

Champions, Kings and Master,
We are special and beautiful
Glory to the Champions Who Are We,
Glory Glory to All, to the Champions

"Something like that," Platini said.

Wayne Rooney Pays Tribute to Sir Alex: "He Never Shuts Up"

Wayne Rooney, fast maturing into one of the top players in the world, paid tribute to Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson, claiming that the fiery Scot never shuts up.

"You can't help but learn from him," said Rooney. "He's done and seen so much in football, won so many important trophies that he tells us about. You can learn from that. There's someone called Willie Miller who he often speaks of, and Alex McLain or McLeish, and he's always telling us the way these players would do things, and how we should do them the same way. So, you can't help but learn."

Rooney, who will appear in his second World Cup for England in June, praised the ageless manager's tenacity: "If you're around someone every day, for hours and hours, and they're telling you football things that entire time, then, naturally, some of it is going to stick. You can try not listening, or wearing headphones, but really, that doesn't work."

Rooney also had praise for United warhorse Gary Neville, still club captain after nearly two decades at United. "Yeah, he also never shuts up."

Beckham's Injury Ends His Chance of Being World Cup Scapegoat

David Beckham's torn achilles tendon has ended his chance of being England's World Cup scapegoat. The LA Galaxy midfielder, on his second loan spell with AC Milan, has already played in three previous World Cups, but was only universally regarded as the outright scapegoat for England's failure in one of them, the 1998 tournament in France.

"You could argue I was the scapegoat in 2002," Beckham said, "with the way I pulled out of a challenge that led to Brazil's opening goal. But then David (Seaman) did what he did, and, well, there was no topping that."

Although Beckham no longer plays for Manchester United, oddsmakers, and the London tabloid press, nonetheless had him as favorite to be England's scapegoat in South Africa.



Wayne Rooney, the reigning scapegoat from 2006, is once again the bookies' favorite.

Owen Coyle Swaps Horrible Jobs

Sky Sports News is reporting that Owen Coyle has swapped his horrible job managing Burnley for the horrible job of managing Bolton Wanderers.

"Sometimes when you've been in a horrible job for a long time, you need a new challenge," Coyle said. "In this case, a horrible opportunity has come up with Bolton, a club I love and played for, so I'd be mad to turn it down."

Coyle's decision has devastated Burnley fans.

"He's Judas as far as I'm concerned," said Burnley season ticket holder Giles Murray. "We gave him a horrible opportunity, and he's turned his back on it with the job only half-done."

The mood was far brighter in Bolton, where fans welcome the appointment of a former player. "It's just what the club needs," said Bolton Wanderers Supporters' Club chairman John Reeves. "It's win-win for both the club and Owen, though for Owen it's a bit horrible, to be honest."