Ballack: 2nd Place is better than 3rd

German captain Michael Ballack, runner up to Spain at Euro 2008, claimed today that winning isn't everything.

"We gave our best, but Spain are deserving champions," said Ballack, who, with Chelsea, finished second to Manchester United in the 2007/08 Premiership season.

"Now our efforts must go towards South Africa 2010," said the 31-year-old, who lost the Champions League Final to Manchester United two months ago. "It will be a great opportunity for Germany."

Ballack, who missed out on the 2002 World Cup Final through suspension, a game which Germany lost, recovered from a calf injury to play in the final. The inspirational midfielder, who lost the Carling Cup Final to Spurs in March, also lost the 2002 Champions League Final with Bayern.

"I'm disappointed," he said, "but with Deco joining us at Chelsea, we have an excellent chance to challenge Manchester United right up until the final day of the season, and then draw against some shitty team like Bolton."

"I'm a very lucky person," said Ballack, who lost the Bundesliga title on the final day of the season in 2004, and the German FA Cup Final the same season.

Ronaldo: I Want to Live in Madrid

Cristiano Ronaldo appears to have ended weeks of speculation by announcing his desire to live in Madrid, and play for one of the local football teams there.

"It is my dream to live in Madrid," he said, shortly after Portugal were sent packing from Euro 2008 by Germany. "I have always said this, but it is not up to only me."

Real Madrid Football Club are said to be preparing a record-breaking fee for the high-scoring midfielder, who won the last two Premier League titles and this season's Champions League with Manchester United.

"I like to eat lunch outside, at cafes and places like that," Ronaldo said. "In Madrid there are many such places."

Asked if he thought there was any chance he was making a mistake by leaving the European Champions for a team that has been unable to get past the first knockout round of the Champions League for five years, Ronaldo said, "Have you seen the cafes?"

United will only allow Ronaldo to leave if the price is right. The player is expected to sign a 10-year contract worth a staggering 300k per week, after which he will join LA Galaxy.

France Out. Domenech: "Lightbulbs"

Aging stars of the golden generation and rising young talents who did not live up to billing proved to be a bad mix for les Blues, dumped out of Euro 2008 today by Italy. Despite the disappointment - some will call it failure - of a group-stage exit, manager Raymond Domenech had nothing but praise for the efforts of his squad.

"I am proud of the players," the 56-year-old said. "We had some bad luck. Sometimes life is like this. When I was a boy, I often wondered where the stars went in the daytime. Lightbulbs, I thought they were."

A figure of controversy in France, Domenech's selection policy has been scrutinized since he admitted that he sometimes uses astrological charts to evaluate players. He famously stated he distrusted Scorpios, which led him to overlook Robert Pires on many occasions. And he has silly hair for a man of his age.

The goodwill he earned by leading France to the 2006 World Cup Final is now likely exhausted. Expect him to be replaced in the near future by Didier Deschamps. Asked about this possibility, Domenech shrugged and said, "I cannot control the weather."

van Basten: "Nothing Can Stop Us From Glorious Failure"

"We are great, up until a certain point."

Following the Netherlands' stunning 4-1 destruction of France, which came on the heels of an equally comprehensive 3-0 defeat of Italy, Oranje manager Marco van Basten stated that nothing can stop his squad from fulfilling their destiny as tragic failures.

"It is clear we are the best side," he said. "Just as we were in the 1974 World Cup, and the 1978 World Cup, and Euro 2000. Just as in those tournaments, we fear nobody, and have our destiny in our hands. Just as in those tournaments, our fans have huge expectations. And just as in those tournaments, we will fail in spectacular fashion, probably in the semi-finals."

While it may sound arrogant, van Basten is only reflecting his country's deep-rooted belief in the inability of the national football team to actually win a tournament.

"Yes, we won in 1988," van Basten added. "But you must remember an important distinction: I played back then."

"Being the best is what is important," van Basten said. "Winning the tournament? Well, that's for Germany and Italy, you know. Maybe France. We don't measure our self-worth by trophies."

Germans Invincible, Lose

Joachim Low's Germany squad, doubted prior to the start of Euro 2008 but then immediately considered invincible following a run-of-the-mill 2-0 defeat of an ordinary Poland side, lost to Croatia.

"The strength of Germany's midfield is what would have made the difference against Croatia, theoretically," Andy Gray said following the Croats' 2-1 win. "Croatia might have won the game, deservingly so, but in Michael Ballack, Germany have a midfield lynchpin that I, for one, think would make the difference if they were to play Croatia again, and not lose."

Germany's defeat followed the shock capitulation of Italy to Holland. The defending world champions were expected to mount a serious challenge, but chose to start 10 players over 30, ignoring young talent like Daniele DeRossi. Italy now joins France as much-ballyhooed sides who might in fact turn out to be hilariously shit - whereas the Dutch have now raised expectations and set themselves up for the kind of tragic failure for which they've become famous.

So who will emerge from the Group of Death? Perhaps all four teams - or perhaps none of them.

Andy Gray Doesn't Know the Laws of the Game

"I dinnae know the rules."

ESPN spent a lot of money (presumably) to get Sky star analyst Andy Gray in the booth for Stateside broadcasts of Euro 2008 games. And what did they get for their money? They got Andy bleating on, incorrectly, about Ruud van Nistelrooy's goal against Italy being offside.

This comes just a few weeks after he said "Ryan Giggs is borderline offside there," following Giggs' title-clinching goal against Wigan. It was a particularly outrageous thing to say, as the last Wigan defender was standing, helpfully, on the painted white line at the top of the penalty box, whereas Giggs was two strides away from it when the ball was played to him.

At least Andy wasn't alone in butchering Ruud's goal. At halftime, the duo of Julie Foudy and Tommy Smyth also laughed about the referee's incompetence. Credit to Smyth, tho - by the end of the game, he'd figured it out. Not Foudy, tho - she bleated on and on that the Italian defender behind the goal line, Christian Panucci, "shouldn't count" in regards to offsides - despite the fact he'd been flung there by his own goalkeeper, Gigi Buffon.

I gather ITV announcers in the UK also didn't know the rule, or didn't notice Pannucci behind the line.

And Derek Taylor of Fox Soccer Report took great delight in pointing out the referee's "mistake," not once but twice. I can cut Taylor some slack, tho. He's a professional broadcast journalist who is learning the game, rather than a former professional player and millionaire expert analyst like Andy Gray.

Another fun thing about Andy Gray - he giggles and flirts with Foudy shamelessly. Granted, Julie's a nice-looking lady, but it's a bit painful to watch.

Euro 2008: Group D Preview

Greece

As defending champs, the previously unknown Greeks now feature familiar faces such as Stelios Giannakopolis, Giorgios Samaras, and, er, maybe Angelos Basinas. Do the Greeks have a chance to defend their title? Yes and no. Yes, because maybe, and no, because no.

Prediction: Done in by the pressure of being defending champions, they won't win a game.

Russia

Gus Hiddink's men turned in some impressive results during qualification, but now find themselves in a group with Spain, Sweden, and the defending champions. They'll be led by Zenit's UEFA Cup-winning striker Pavel Pogrebnyak, and the promise of 10,000 potatoes for each player if they reach the semis. Just kidding, Communism is dead. Unfortunately it took the spirit of Russian football with it.

Prediction: They need Spain to bottle it. And when has that ever happened?

Spain

Loaded with stars. Brimming with talent. Overflowing with skill. Overdoing the gerunds. Look, this is getting old. If Spain can't get to the Final with this side, they really should stop bothering the rest of us. Surely with this much talent, their belief must be sky-high, except perhaps for the 5 Liverpool players, who will be accustomed to not winning anything.

Prediction: Finalists. Glorious losing finalists.

Sweden

Sweden may be best known for its spectacular underwater scenery and landmarks such as the Pyramids, but there's no question that they have a team in Euro 2008, and they're in Group D. What is less certain is how they will do. All eyes will be on Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who, it is fair to say, played like a turd at the World Cup in Germany. You know who still plays for Sweden? Henrik Larsson! At 36 he's the oldest outfield player in the tournament. That's got to be worth something.

Prediction: Sweden will win Euro 2008.

Euro 2008 Group C Preview

France

Ah France, land of vine and grape, sumptuous football, and really old footballers. Lilliam Thuram, Patrick Vieira, Claude Makelele, and Gregory Coupet, between them, are almost 400 years old, but they'll all be in action for les Blues. Rising star Karim Benzema is one to watch, as is manager Raymond Domenech, who in the past has used astrology to help with team selection. Seriously. Oh and there's also Thierry Henry poncing and pouting his way round the pitch.


Prediction: Will reach semifinals, lose, Domenech will blame the Scorpios.

Italy

Defending world champions Italy come flying into Euro 2008 on the strength of abject humiliation of Serie A sides in the Champions League. Still, they are loaded with talent in every position, and also, have you ever noticed Italian footballer hairstyles never change. I mean never. Compare the 1982 squad of Rossi et al with Pirlo, Perrotta, and Gattuso. Same hair! Is it perhaps the secret to Italy's continued success? No, it isn't.

Prediction: Marco Materrazi will kick people and Italy will win it.

Holland

They've been called lots of things: underachievers, bottlers, chokers, and bottlers again. Yes, it's the Dutch, who are from Holland, and The Netherlands. Glorious failure is in their DNA. Talented Dutch squads have been losing tournaments for three generations. Will this year be any different? Well, yes - they really aren't that talented anymore. Robin van Persie and Arjen Robben, if healthy, will provide pace and whinging-at-referee theatrics, and the reliable Edwin Van der Sar will be, er, reliable, but this Dutch side will flatter to decieve.

Prediction: Ignore the above. They're going to win it all.

Romania

Jesus H. Christo, how many countries are there in Europe? Seems like I've written a hundred of these. So, Romania: they aren't all vampires. Some of them are good footballers. Good enough to escape from the Group of Death (tm)? Probably not, unless the Dutch really bottle it. Adrian Mutu can still turn on the style, but he'll need lots of help from his castle-dwelling, garlic-wearing teammates.

Prediction: It should be obvious I really don't know anything about Romania.

Euro 2008: Group B Preview

Austria

Austria, like co-hosts Switzerland, have a squad comprised largely of domestic-based players, which means nobody has ever heard of them and they're no good. Call that a generalization if you must. One player who could make a difference is Werder Bremen's Martin Harnik, but he won't. Stick to alpine skiing, Austria. Stop wasting my goddamn time.

Prediction: Painful losses.

Croatia

The Croats will be a force to contend with, as usual. They will also be sentimental favorites of many, due to their humiliating elimination of England. With players representing Europe's top leagues, and talent in every position, Croatia should reach the latter stages of the tournament. They are probably not quite deep enough to win it all, but you can't blame them for trying.

Prediction: Some good moments, some bad. What's important is that they have fun.

Germany

This little-known footballing nation won lots of fans with their plucky performances at the 2006 World Cup. Can they repeat that success? Only if their multimillionaire players with bags of experience can figure out a way to negotiate this "tournament" format. They are also slightly good at penalties, not that major international tournaments are ever decided that way. Stars to watch include Michael Ballack of Chelsea/Inter and Miroslav Klose of Germany/Austria.

Prediction: If I know Germany, and I think I do, they'll win it.

Poland

What to make of the Poles? They had good results in qualification, then got twatted 3-0 at home by the USA. Celtic's Artur Boruc is in goal, so nobody outside the players' mothers and wives will be cheering for the Poles. That's because Boruc is a dick, obviously. They have some other decent players but I'm not going to lie, I can't figure out how to do all those accent marks, so I'm not listing any of them.

Prediction: 3 draws and the first Skoda home.

Euro 2008: Group A Preview

Portugal

One of the favorites to win the title, Portugal will bank on their wealth of attacking talent, which helped them to score nearly one goal per game at the last World Cup. There is no question who the star of this team is: Boavista midfielder Jorge Ribeiro. Hoping to make a name for themselves on the world stage will be Cristiano Ronaldo of Manchester United (Note: Not the same Ronaldo as the Brazilian one) and Barcelona midfielder Deco.

Prediction: Will win tournament.

Czech Republic

The Czechs will be hoping to put disappointing results behind them, which should be easy considering the linear nature of time. They are led by Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech, widely hailed as the world's best Chelsea goalkeeper; the giant Jan Koller, an aerial threat; and Milan Baros, shite for club but oddly effective for country. The Czechs are organized and efficient, but might lack leadership with the international retirement of Pavel Nedved.

Prediction: Will probably win tournament.

Switzerland

With nearly half their squad playing in the domestic league, the Swiss aren't expected to make much noise at Euro 2008. Amusingly, they have been drawn into the same group as Turkey, with whom they had a violent post-game dustup during qualifiers. Arsenal's Phillipe Senderos and top goalscorer Alexander Frei of Dortmund will be relied on heavily. They won't help.

Prediction: The Swiss will not score a single goal.

Turkey

Turkey will be hoping to follow in the footsteps of Greece by being a team full of players nobody has ever heard of, playing dreadful football, winning the tournament, and subsequently being hated by everyone in the world. They've already got that last part covered.

Prediction: Three times as many bookings as goals scored.